Release, Relief and Relationships

Many things have happened in the past few weeks.  More emotional turmoil of course, always seems to be drama when dealing with military wives.  I haven't quite figured that out yet, because you would think since we all have a common bond that it would be more supportive than it is.  Anyway!  
I recently had another person 'unfriend' me on facebook.  There was no reason really, it was someone who I thought was a friend, someone who I had helped out, someone who had helped me out with clothes and baby items for my granddaughter, Willow. I never had an argument with this person, never a harsh word, never knew anything I did bothered her because she never said anything.  So when I posted this photo: 

 

 I was deleted by her.  I messaged her what I did to deserve to be deleted and she said that she was tired of dealing with my drama and my feel sorry for myself attitude.  After some time in another conversation through messaging she said that I am too pushy and she doesn't have the energy to be my friend.  I suppose I try too hard sometimes to be people's friend.  The only time I can remember being pushy is one day she had posted on facebook she was having a bad day and didn't want to do anything or see anyone.  So I pushed the fact to bring her some food, just dropping it off at her doorstep never even having to see me.  Other than that I really didn't think I was being pushy.  She is going through a deployment and I know she was having a hard time so I tried to help.  That was my reasoning behind what I was doing.  But instead of telling me that wasn't something she could handle and giving me a chance to not try so hard, she just threw our friendship away.  Said we didn't have anything in common and she didn't have the energy to be my friend.  

How do you deal with something like that?  I mean it makes me feel badly that good intentions were only met with frustration, only I didn't even know it.  

So, do I change how I am because someone did not appreciate how I am?  Or do I let my heart continue to lead my path?  

I have suffered through this trying to figure it out.  And have had some really good friends point out that they happen to like my heart the way it is.  That being kind and caring about people, even sometimes being misunderstood, is better than being the type of person to not care about those around you, the world, things going on that you maybe can do even a little about.  

So I will go on being kind, and giving and caring.  Because if I didn't it wouldn't be me.  I know I'm not perfect, heck, no one is.  But all I can do is be myself, and those who appreciate me for who I am and want to be in my life, will be.  And I'll know that they want to be there.  Those that walk away were just lessons. Hard, hurtful lessons, but lessons just the same.  

Also, this past week something wonderful happened.  I got my letter in the mail for approval for my disability.  Almost 3 years and many denials leading to the hearing stage, the wait is over.  It felt like a huge relief off of my shoulders.  I immediately started crying and when I called my husband he asked why are you crying, this is good news!  It was, it was good news, but it was just an emotional release.  I know I don't look like anything is wrong with me, but the disability was approved for my fibromylagia (constant 24/7 pain), depression, anxiety and arthritis. So this means that we will  have the ability for me to try some other therapies that aren't covered by insurance and not worry about not having enough money to pay the bills.  It also will allow us to save money in order to plan for our future and also Alayna's.  I couldn't have done it without the help of Allsup.  They helped me through every step of the way and sent someone to be with me at my hearing.  I truly believe that had it not been for their assistance I wouldn't have received the approval.  If you or anyone you know need help applying for disability I highly recommend them, and if you don't mind mentioning I sent you their way I would appreciate that also.  They only get a fee if you win back payment and then it is capped at a certain amount so it's not outrageous.  

It's hard dealing with being in pain all the time.  And I know it has caused me to sometimes be a person I really don't want to be.  

I know I'm grumpy sometimes for no apparent reason, I don't like doing things as much I used to, it's caused strain on my relationships with my family and friends, and as you can see in the first part of this writing, I've even lost friends because of it. I try hard not to feel sorry for myself.  It's difficult sometimes because it's daunting the task of living another 40 years dealing with this.  I know others have it worse and I do not forget that ever, but it doesn't make my pain less.  Perhaps I am not as strong inside as they are to be so stoic in dealing with the pain. 
I had a discussion with my husband the other day, that it's not really fair to him to have to deal with this all the time.  I do not feel like a good wife, or a good mother, or just even a good person sometimes.  And I feel he deserves better.  He says no, that he just wants me, that yes, it may sound like a movie, but that I complete him and make him a better person.  That we will make it through this together.  

So that is where we are at right now.  Muddling through me not feeling so well about life, and him loving me anyway.  So I'll keep on trying to get through things...and find out who my true friends and the ones who really love me, just as I am....

Which reminds me of this: 

Which leave me at a good spot to leave for tonight... my brain is a bit foggy and and I need some rest... <3

Trips home and dancing with Daddy (or playing football)

So Alayna and I went home to PA for about 10 days.  I got to see my new baby granddaughter, W and her Mom, C along with C's other two children A & K.  It was an enjoyable and I loved seeing and holding that precious baby.  Besides it was nice to just get away from the drama of this place for a moment. 
Sometimes things happen and make you realize just how lucky you are to have the people in your life that you do.  Just something as kind as giving someone some candies and making their day makes you realize that to have had those people in your life all your life you were truly very lucky. 
My dad has always taken care of my vehicles, pretty much--even if my husbands knew about cars, he just always checked things out.  He changed my winter tires back to the regular tires on the van while I was home.  The tires were ok, but not great... He took them and got all new tires on the van because it was suppose to rain on our way back home to VA and he was worried it would be unsafe.  We had planned on getting tires in a few months when we had saved up enough to do so--but now we don't have to worry. 
It's always been like that.  My parents have been there for me for as long as I can remember.  Whether it was some money to go skating, or go to a dance, a car to get back and forth to school, paying for school, being there when my life was falling apart and helping me pack and pick up the pieces.

 So on this Father's Day weekend I just wanted to say how much I appreciated both of my parents through all my life...realizing more so in later years, because as we all know when we are young we know everything and the parents know nothing. 

That would be how I would rate my parents... and I only wish everyone were so lucky.  I hope that I can be as good to my daughter as they have been to me. 

Now I watch my husband be a father to our daughter.  Today he listened to her book report and went and played football with her outside for a while after dinner.  Little things but it means so much to her.  Ever see the movie Courageous?  Yea, you have to dance with them when they ask so there are no regrets.

I'm lucky to have both of them in my life.  Do they drive me crazy sometimes--of course, wouldn't be human if we just got along all the time and did all the same things and thought all the same things.  But I love them both and would never want to be without them. 

I'm doing ok--so very tired of hurting all the time.  It never gets any better, only worse and then back to the 'normal' level of pain.  I'm still waiting on my verdict on my appeal for social security disability.  All those years I took care of others I never thought I would be in this position.  Doing things like shopping and errands just wears me out.  The trip to PA and back set me back days. 

So this blog is sort of boring... guess I just don't want to think about the non-boring stuff right now.  There is some, but I'll save it for another day.  Happy Father's day to all the Father's out there..
Especially my DAD and my HUSBAND <3

50 shades of Storm?

Just bored and needed something to do!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
10:00am

2. How do you like your steak?
 Well done

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Battleship or Avengers, I can't remember which one came first--both were awesome! Of course Battleship was better because I got to look at Alexander Skarsgard <3

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
I probably watch way too much tv--but my four favorites would have to be:

True Blood

The Walking Dead

Game of Thrones

Shameless

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Wouldn't be in this world--because people have sort of screwed it up already.  I want to go to a world where there is love and peace and that is the normal. 

6. What did you have for breakfast?
A piece of Ems sub

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Seafood

 8. What foods do you dislike?
 ONIONS 
  
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Captain George's Seafood Buffet

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch dressing from a Spaghetti place in San Diego, CA

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Dodge Grand Caravan
  
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Sweats and tshirt--no tags

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Ireland, England, Switzerland, Australia and Alaska!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
 Thankful I have either

15. Where would you want to retire?
Somewhere peaceful, safe and beautiful.  Maybe like this?

Lindy Point - Blackwater Falls State Park - West Virginia

 Even here would be good--I have grown to love the beach and all that has to offer--as long as the crowds are somewhere else <3

Fort Story, VA 

16. Favorite time of day?
Don't really have one.

17. Where were you born?
Johnstown, PA

  
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Hockey

19. Who do you think will not answer these silly questions?
who knows....

20. Person you expect to always be there for you?
Scott, my parents

21. What is your favorite song right now?


Joshua Radin "Winter"

22. Bird watcher?
I like to watch them, yes, but not technically an official watcher.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night I guess, only because I can't sleep because I hurt all the time so mornings are hard for me.

24. Do you have any pets?
 Yes, two dogs--Bella a chihuahua and Glory a golden retriever, a smooth northern green snake named George, and anole name Romeo (sadly Juliet died :( ) and we just got a kitten--who hasn't had an official name yet!  

George and Romeo

Glory

Bella

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
New?  Well--we got a new kitten. 

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Nurse
  
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Making Sundays with my Grandparents when I stayed overnight with them.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I am an animal person period.

29. Are you in a relationship?
Yes, married.  This is my 3rd marriage--bet you didn't know that unless you know me really well.  We have been together for 13 years.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
 Of course, especially with the whacko drivers in VA

 31. Been in a car accident?
Yep, one back in 1990 and was not my fault.

 32. Any pet peeves?
Yes, I hate when people claim to be something that their actions prove that they are not.  I also hate when you do your best to be a friend to someone but it all seems one sided.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
 Light sauce, cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms and green peppers.

34. Favorite Flower?
Yellow roses or purple roses. Hydrangeas

35. Favorite ice cream?
Chocolate marshmallow--Gallikers.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fil A
  
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once--I rolled through the stop sign the first time.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
My mom.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
None.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Stopped in Front Royal and walked around the town on the trip home to PA

41. Like your job?
I love being a Mom, sometimes I don't think I do too good of a job, especially lately.  It's difficult to be patient and kind and loving when you are hurting all the time. 

But she makes it all worth while... and it's part of what keeps me going.

42. Broccoli?
No thanks.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Disney--after Scott got back from Iraq.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My Mom and Alayna
  
45. What are you listening to right now?
Trick of the Moonlight by Gareth Dunlop


46. What is your favorite color?

purple


47. How many tattoos do you have?
Technically I guess it is 4 but really one--all done in one sitting and my first and only one.  

48.Who is your favorite author?
Terry Brooks, Karin Slaughter, Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Meyer, Suzanne Collins, Alex Kava, and many more...

49. What was the worst mistake you ever made?
I got lost in 2008--I'm so glad Scott stood by me and loves me like he does---he helped save me from myself.

 50. What would be your best advice to anyone?

Raining Kittens and Going Home....

So---we're home.  Home for me is where I grew up.  Western Pennsylvania--small town called Johnstown-- about 2 hours East of Pittsburgh, known for our floods, steel mills (that sadly are gone) and the movies "Slapshot" and "All the Right Moves".  Learn more about Johnstown here.
I was born here--lived all my life here until I was 38 years old.  About 32 miles was the farthest away I ever moved from the house I grew up in.  The borough is named "Daisytown" no kidding.  They say that when the first people came her to settle the fields were full of Daisies--not sure if it is true or not, but sounds reasonable.  My Great-Grandfather Baiker built the house that my parents still live in.  Pretty awesome history.  The local small graveyard is filled with familiar names and I grew up around people who my Mom had known growing up.  It was the type of place where everyone knew everyone.  Kept an eye out on one another's children.  Heck, I remember playing hide and go seek through about a 10 block radius when I was around 12.  In the dark, with a neighbor's home as base.  Never would I think of allowing Alayna to do that now, with the way that the world has changed.  
I guess you could say I was sheltered... it's a small town.  We had bad things happen of course but nothing like today--and nothing like Virginia Beach area today. 
I love coming home... I love the mountains, the winding roads, the friendly people, drivers who actually follow traffic laws and are considerate.  Things are different here...and I love it.  But it's always hard to come 'home'.
This time the trip was a little different.  Alayna and I headed back up with a late start (I don't sleep well so waking up early would have been a mistake).  We took our time, stopped in several places and even went to Front Royal at the top of the Skyline scenic highway and walked around a bit.   

It's really hard for me to drive or ride for long ways because of the pain that I am in all the time--so the frequent stops to get out and stretch and walk around do help.  It was a lovely little town and actually they were shutting down the streets to have a dance that night...Alayna wanted to stay but I wanted to get going.  On the way back home though we are going to take that Skyline highway and enjoy the scenery and stop at at least some of the 75 overlooks along the way South to home.  
Almost home, about 40 miles to go and we were going through Pleasantville...coming up out of the town and heading into the mountain curves.  I see a small little kitty on the side of the road... small, just a baby... and it's all abandoned homes there, fields and an old shooting range.  I knew it wasn't there and owned by someone.  I drive up about 4 blocks to a place I can turn around and go back, there it was sitting right by the guard rail.  I pull the van over as far as I can, turn on the flashers and hop out to go get it... well of course it ran down the high grass down the hill.  I did eventually find her, she was good at hiding for being black and white and thinking back I'm glad I didn't encounter any other critters.  A little hissing but that was all.  Stopped at BiLo to get some food and litter, warned Maw & Pappy of our new little addition for the time being and finally made it home around 9pm.  (AFTER stopping to get Ann's pizza of course!  Little side note on Ann's--I have been going to Ann's since I was about 15 years old.  Small square cut pieces sold out of a hole in the wall little storefront...owned by the same woman the whole time and the pizza really is the BEST!!  Ann's Pizza Facebook Page check them out and if you are ever in Johnstown--you have to stop!) 
Kitty is doing well, she is easy to get attached to. Very cuddly, loving and has not had one accident at all since we brought her into Maw & Pappy's house.  I was doing my best to try and find her a home--but if the one young woman here doesn't take her I think we will have a new addition to our family.  Scott said he loves cats too and I know he misses his cats that we had to find new homes for when we came back into the active duty Army--housing rules are only 2 pets per home, and we had 2 dogs... I didn't realize that as long as you cared for them and kept your home clean no one really says anything--my heart still hurts for the three cats we had to leave here before moving to KY.  Is it smart?  Ah, probably not.  But I find myself questioning the timing---and thinking that perhaps God put her there at that time for a reason--I mean we could have missed her had we made our trip faster or slower--and she may have even been squished by the time we passed her.  

She is a sweetheart....and she makes me smile.  So we'll see.  


I got to meet my little Willow Grace--such a sweetheart she is, and so beautiful and special, just like her Momma.  

Carol and Willow <3

Alayna picked out the name, "Willow" <3

Precious baby

 I miss the beach though--isn't that weird.  I never used to be a big fan of the beach, but somehow swimming with the dolphins and listening to the waves now is one of my most favorite places to be in the world.  It's so relaxing and sometimes even makes me forget I'm hurting for a moment or two.  We live in such a beautiful area.  

Collage of the lighthouses and scenery around Fort Story <3

My friend, Heather, caught the dolphins at play.  None of my photos are this good--all credit goes to her!!!

 So the weather here is chilly--60-70 and won't warm up until the end of the week.  We were hoping to be able to swim and even though the temperature of the water is 72 and the ocean water is only 63 it somehow feels colder in a pool rather than the ocean.  

Rainy days the past two, and of course being stuck inside the house isn't exactly fun for my 12 yo--and she's driving me a little crazy with her not listening...

 Anyway, hope you enjoyed the latest entry... I always wanted to be a writer of stories--too bad my head is too messed up to actually make sense sometimes... 
Have a great night, I'm going to try to sleep!