50 shades of Storm?

Just bored and needed something to do!

1. What time did you get up this morning?
10:00am

2. How do you like your steak?
 Well done

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Battleship or Avengers, I can't remember which one came first--both were awesome! Of course Battleship was better because I got to look at Alexander Skarsgard <3

4. What are your favorite TV shows?
I probably watch way too much tv--but my four favorites would have to be:

True Blood

The Walking Dead

Game of Thrones

Shameless

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Wouldn't be in this world--because people have sort of screwed it up already.  I want to go to a world where there is love and peace and that is the normal. 

6. What did you have for breakfast?
A piece of Ems sub

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Seafood

 8. What foods do you dislike?
 ONIONS 
  
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Captain George's Seafood Buffet

10. Favorite dressing?
Ranch dressing from a Spaghetti place in San Diego, CA

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Dodge Grand Caravan
  
12. What are your favorite clothes?
Sweats and tshirt--no tags

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Ireland, England, Switzerland, Australia and Alaska!

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
 Thankful I have either

15. Where would you want to retire?
Somewhere peaceful, safe and beautiful.  Maybe like this?

Lindy Point - Blackwater Falls State Park - West Virginia

 Even here would be good--I have grown to love the beach and all that has to offer--as long as the crowds are somewhere else <3

Fort Story, VA 

16. Favorite time of day?
Don't really have one.

17. Where were you born?
Johnstown, PA

  
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Hockey

19. Who do you think will not answer these silly questions?
who knows....

20. Person you expect to always be there for you?
Scott, my parents

21. What is your favorite song right now?


Joshua Radin "Winter"

22. Bird watcher?
I like to watch them, yes, but not technically an official watcher.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night I guess, only because I can't sleep because I hurt all the time so mornings are hard for me.

24. Do you have any pets?
 Yes, two dogs--Bella a chihuahua and Glory a golden retriever, a smooth northern green snake named George, and anole name Romeo (sadly Juliet died :( ) and we just got a kitten--who hasn't had an official name yet!  

George and Romeo

Glory

Bella

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
New?  Well--we got a new kitten. 

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Nurse
  
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Making Sundays with my Grandparents when I stayed overnight with them.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
I am an animal person period.

29. Are you in a relationship?
Yes, married.  This is my 3rd marriage--bet you didn't know that unless you know me really well.  We have been together for 13 years.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
 Of course, especially with the whacko drivers in VA

 31. Been in a car accident?
Yep, one back in 1990 and was not my fault.

 32. Any pet peeves?
Yes, I hate when people claim to be something that their actions prove that they are not.  I also hate when you do your best to be a friend to someone but it all seems one sided.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
 Light sauce, cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms and green peppers.

34. Favorite Flower?
Yellow roses or purple roses. Hydrangeas

35. Favorite ice cream?
Chocolate marshmallow--Gallikers.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fil A
  
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once--I rolled through the stop sign the first time.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
My mom.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
None.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Stopped in Front Royal and walked around the town on the trip home to PA

41. Like your job?
I love being a Mom, sometimes I don't think I do too good of a job, especially lately.  It's difficult to be patient and kind and loving when you are hurting all the time. 

But she makes it all worth while... and it's part of what keeps me going.

42. Broccoli?
No thanks.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Disney--after Scott got back from Iraq.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My Mom and Alayna
  
45. What are you listening to right now?
Trick of the Moonlight by Gareth Dunlop


46. What is your favorite color?

purple


47. How many tattoos do you have?
Technically I guess it is 4 but really one--all done in one sitting and my first and only one.  

48.Who is your favorite author?
Terry Brooks, Karin Slaughter, Janet Evanovich, Stephanie Meyer, Suzanne Collins, Alex Kava, and many more...

49. What was the worst mistake you ever made?
I got lost in 2008--I'm so glad Scott stood by me and loves me like he does---he helped save me from myself.

 50. What would be your best advice to anyone?

Raining Kittens and Going Home....

So---we're home.  Home for me is where I grew up.  Western Pennsylvania--small town called Johnstown-- about 2 hours East of Pittsburgh, known for our floods, steel mills (that sadly are gone) and the movies "Slapshot" and "All the Right Moves".  Learn more about Johnstown here.
I was born here--lived all my life here until I was 38 years old.  About 32 miles was the farthest away I ever moved from the house I grew up in.  The borough is named "Daisytown" no kidding.  They say that when the first people came her to settle the fields were full of Daisies--not sure if it is true or not, but sounds reasonable.  My Great-Grandfather Baiker built the house that my parents still live in.  Pretty awesome history.  The local small graveyard is filled with familiar names and I grew up around people who my Mom had known growing up.  It was the type of place where everyone knew everyone.  Kept an eye out on one another's children.  Heck, I remember playing hide and go seek through about a 10 block radius when I was around 12.  In the dark, with a neighbor's home as base.  Never would I think of allowing Alayna to do that now, with the way that the world has changed.  
I guess you could say I was sheltered... it's a small town.  We had bad things happen of course but nothing like today--and nothing like Virginia Beach area today. 
I love coming home... I love the mountains, the winding roads, the friendly people, drivers who actually follow traffic laws and are considerate.  Things are different here...and I love it.  But it's always hard to come 'home'.
This time the trip was a little different.  Alayna and I headed back up with a late start (I don't sleep well so waking up early would have been a mistake).  We took our time, stopped in several places and even went to Front Royal at the top of the Skyline scenic highway and walked around a bit.   

It's really hard for me to drive or ride for long ways because of the pain that I am in all the time--so the frequent stops to get out and stretch and walk around do help.  It was a lovely little town and actually they were shutting down the streets to have a dance that night...Alayna wanted to stay but I wanted to get going.  On the way back home though we are going to take that Skyline highway and enjoy the scenery and stop at at least some of the 75 overlooks along the way South to home.  
Almost home, about 40 miles to go and we were going through Pleasantville...coming up out of the town and heading into the mountain curves.  I see a small little kitty on the side of the road... small, just a baby... and it's all abandoned homes there, fields and an old shooting range.  I knew it wasn't there and owned by someone.  I drive up about 4 blocks to a place I can turn around and go back, there it was sitting right by the guard rail.  I pull the van over as far as I can, turn on the flashers and hop out to go get it... well of course it ran down the high grass down the hill.  I did eventually find her, she was good at hiding for being black and white and thinking back I'm glad I didn't encounter any other critters.  A little hissing but that was all.  Stopped at BiLo to get some food and litter, warned Maw & Pappy of our new little addition for the time being and finally made it home around 9pm.  (AFTER stopping to get Ann's pizza of course!  Little side note on Ann's--I have been going to Ann's since I was about 15 years old.  Small square cut pieces sold out of a hole in the wall little storefront...owned by the same woman the whole time and the pizza really is the BEST!!  Ann's Pizza Facebook Page check them out and if you are ever in Johnstown--you have to stop!) 
Kitty is doing well, she is easy to get attached to. Very cuddly, loving and has not had one accident at all since we brought her into Maw & Pappy's house.  I was doing my best to try and find her a home--but if the one young woman here doesn't take her I think we will have a new addition to our family.  Scott said he loves cats too and I know he misses his cats that we had to find new homes for when we came back into the active duty Army--housing rules are only 2 pets per home, and we had 2 dogs... I didn't realize that as long as you cared for them and kept your home clean no one really says anything--my heart still hurts for the three cats we had to leave here before moving to KY.  Is it smart?  Ah, probably not.  But I find myself questioning the timing---and thinking that perhaps God put her there at that time for a reason--I mean we could have missed her had we made our trip faster or slower--and she may have even been squished by the time we passed her.  

She is a sweetheart....and she makes me smile.  So we'll see.  


I got to meet my little Willow Grace--such a sweetheart she is, and so beautiful and special, just like her Momma.  

Carol and Willow <3

Alayna picked out the name, "Willow" <3

Precious baby

 I miss the beach though--isn't that weird.  I never used to be a big fan of the beach, but somehow swimming with the dolphins and listening to the waves now is one of my most favorite places to be in the world.  It's so relaxing and sometimes even makes me forget I'm hurting for a moment or two.  We live in such a beautiful area.  

Collage of the lighthouses and scenery around Fort Story <3

My friend, Heather, caught the dolphins at play.  None of my photos are this good--all credit goes to her!!!

 So the weather here is chilly--60-70 and won't warm up until the end of the week.  We were hoping to be able to swim and even though the temperature of the water is 72 and the ocean water is only 63 it somehow feels colder in a pool rather than the ocean.  

Rainy days the past two, and of course being stuck inside the house isn't exactly fun for my 12 yo--and she's driving me a little crazy with her not listening...

 Anyway, hope you enjoyed the latest entry... I always wanted to be a writer of stories--too bad my head is too messed up to actually make sense sometimes... 
Have a great night, I'm going to try to sleep! 

Dreams and Hopes...are they closer than they appear??

So I had my disability hearing yesterday.  I am on my 5th step I believe---I lost track.  Denied all other times by review of my records.  This time I got to talk and tell my story.  Basically they ask what do you do on a normal day.  What your symptoms are, how long have you had them, what about housework, who does shopping, do you drive?  If you do how often?  Then a vocational expert states well this person could work a sedentary job 1-2 step task --know what that is?  Yea, neither do I--my representative grilled her on that one as to what jobs in this area would be appropriate for me to be able to do and basically like putting a pen cap on the top of a pen--and how many jobs are there like that in this area?  um.. none.   And according to my testimony what kind of job would I be able to do?   Um---None.  
So it all depends on the judge now and if he believes what I told him and how I feel and what my symptoms are.  I get flustered in front of people trying to talk and so sometimes things don't come out right, but the representative said I did good... so we have to wait.. 2 weeks or 2 months.. or maybe more.  If they deny that, well then we may have to start all over... we'll see.  

It's frustrating--I hate hurting all the time.  People say do this, or do that, or if you would exercise more..It's like this----

 

It's difficult to find motivation to do things when you deal with the cycle going around and around.  I try not to complain a lot---I don't want people thinking that is all I do and then don't want to be around me--but it really sucks to be in pain 24/7.  Have you ever had a really bad back ache?  Or a migraine?  Or even a toothache... think of having that every day of your life, all the time, no matter what you do...  

I don't want to be grumpy, or turn down offers to go places or be around people, but sometimes I just can't do it... 

Yep, all of the above (of the 7 dwarves) ---so honestly, I'm not trying to be antisocial, or if I get up and stand instead of sitting with the rest, it's not because I don't want to be around you--it's because I can't stand to sit anymore.  It's hard to explain invisible illnesses to people---of course it isn't something you can see.  No one can tell you are in pain, there isn't some sort of test to show that yes, man, that hurts!  And there are other symptoms too--fibro fog---sometimes I can't find my words, sometimes I can't think straight, sometimes I even forget how to get home when I'm driving which yes, is pretty darn scary.  

I've been to doctor after doctor, meds after meds, tried different things as far as aquatic therapy and regular physical therapy... I wish there was a magic button...

There is no way around it. So I know people are going to judge me on trying to get disability.  I'm only 42 years old and I feel like a failure---I am a registered nurse by profession.  I worked in the ER, CCU, home health and long term care for mentally retarded--as well as a school  nurse.  It's not easy profession, but the reward you get when you know you have helped someone is amazing... and I miss it believe it or not.  I can't do that job anymore---I can't think of any job I could do and do safely and effectively.  I never imagined all those years when I was helping others that I would be the one who needed help even before I turned 40.....and I wish I could find someone who cared for their patients like I cared for mine... hard to do though... some don't even believe it's a real thing--all in your head... ugh.  

So anyway, the disability hearing is over and done---and I'm going to Pennsylvania with my daughter to spend some time with family and see my new 'granddaughter' and other grandkids and daughter (foster daughter, but that's too many words to explain when you love someone).  Away from all this madness down here for a while and I hope it helps me to relax... and yet, I still have not packed... I sit here listening to the thunderstorm and looking out the window at the lightening....
I did get the doctor to fill out a form today to put us on the list for a one story home here on Fort Story--it will make things so much easier for me in dealing with day to day tasks that normally now I come down in the morning and I go back up in the early evening to lay down and that's that... there will be more room and plus we won't have any crazy neighbors attached to us that I will have to deal with...   
So I dream... and I hope... and pray that some day I can finally have one day.. one moment without pain...

So for now that's it....not too much writing but I am in a hurry and want to get at least some clothes packed tonight... 
So if you're up in PA---look me up!!!  Would really like to see some old friends while I'm there. 

Friends, Romans... Crazy Women

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  

That's how my day started off, yesterday.  Door bell rings---the neighbor, her loudmouth friend and some other woman is at my door.  "Do you know what you're daughter did?"  "I'm tired of this, it has got to stop."  "Around back, she wrote in chalk, we don't have to put up with this." 
So I shut the door and lock it, walk to the back and go outside....  "A" had written "I HATE YOU" in front of the neighbor's gate on the public sidewalk in front of the parking lot.  
I said I did not know she did it or it wouldn't be there.  "WEll you only have one child you need to control her." (this coming from the Loudmouth friend I'll call "D") 
"I'm going to housing, command and calling the mps' to press harassment charges, this has got to stop, my daughter shouldn't have to put up with this, your daughter rang the doorbell every 5 min for 6 hours (which she did ring the doorbell but it couldn't have been that much!!!), and she screams when she is riding her bike and it makes "M" cry and she knows it upsets her and does it anyway. So I've had enough and I'm going to go to housing, command and the mps."  That came from "C"  paraphrasing...
I told her go ahead.  When I found out about the doorbell I told A to stop it and made her write an apology which we taped to the post beside C's shed because she told us way before this at the beginning of it all "You leave me and mine alone and we will leave you and yours alone.  I'm calling this friendship over."  So I didn't risk taking it into her door...
Anyone can scream riding their bike--people do it all the time... 
and I made her scrub the sidewalk off and she is punished for what she did.  

 
Confused yet?  If you don't know the whole story--C used to be what I thought was a very good friend, looking back now it was mostly a one sided relationship and I was clearly a throw away friend.. it's amazing how you can go literally from being awesome one day to being not worthy to even talk to the next.  

For the past 18 months we've been friends---how did we meet? Officially it was earlier but when we became good friends was this:  Well her son is autistic, he was out waiting for Santa to come around in the fire truck--and they were throwing candy out from the truck--he didn't get what he wanted because the other kids jumped into the mix and took it--he was very upset, crying throwing himself to the ground and about 2 blocks from their home... I went up and carried him to the house because C was pregnant and I didn't want her carrying him--went and got candy from our house and gave it to him and he settled down.  Over the time I have done many things... always taking them food because certain things I make too much of or knew she liked, took her daughter to co-op because C was going to school that day so that M could go.  The very first day I got my first lidocaine infusion for pain management I watched her kids because her older son was going to school and she had no one else she 'trusted' to watch them and she was also going to school. So I don't even know if that would have worked had I actually rested and relaxed when I came home. My husband cut her grass because her husband was deployed... I Jumped her smart car, not once, but twice taking everything out myself and if you know where the battery is in a smart car it is a pia to get to--under the floor of the passenger seat and you have to remove this big thing of foam to get to the battery--yet I did it, and then she accidently shut the car off when I had everything back together and I had to redo it--keep in mind I am in pain 24/7.   
I never minded doing anything for her, because she has a bigger family, her husband was away and most importantly she was what I considered a friend...

  I have no idea what started that wedge, because it had started even before the 'incident' that caused her to call our friendship over.  I want to say that it's because she started going to church and I didn't go. We had started looking for a church to attend together, and went to a few, however she went to WAVE and was hooked.  I can't stand a lot of noise and huge crowds, if you know WAVE you know that is exactly what it is.  I have a hard time going to church, my back and legs hurt all the time--non stop.  When sitting for longer than 15 min it makes it even worse and it's hard to even walk sometimes after--so I don't go as often as I would like to--and when I do go I've chosen a smaller, more family like atmosphere to go to.  She never said anything but it was the comments about coming to church and then she offered to get my 12 yo daughter baptized to HER and didn't even ask me.  She has done things too--she trained my daughter and started her love of running, she took A to Disney for the Princess run down there---(and on the top side that looks like a great thing to do, but she never once asked me if I wanted to go along, and the whole trip was nothing but stressful for myself and my daughter--including episodes where her older son thought he was in charge of her and trying to tell her what to do, when I entrusted C to be the one who was taking care of things.  My daughter was left out of many things on that trip--including not even being asked if she wanted to dress like the 4 other girls who were all dressed the same and so A stood out, she called me many times crying from down there, and when they got home C never said a word to me--she threw our stuff out of the van and that was it...)  She helped me get together stuff for my new 'granddaughter' although I paid for a new car seat for her son in payment for it.  I won't go on and on about it, but just a background, that yes, indeed I thought we were great friends.... Then comes the Shamrock run--and where we live they close the roads down on post for the runners to run through the post.  Roads are blocked, access is limited to get out or in... so another friend of mine was upset because of it--and voiced her opinion.  Keep in mind this friend's family was in because her husband was deploying in a few days and they had wanted to go somewhere.  So she said how difficult it was and she was frustrated. So the bashing began on her for 'oh it's only one day, there is no reason to complain' from various sources.. she apologized even saying that it was a bad time for her and normally it wouldn't have been so difficult for her... Not having any compassion for that and wanting to keep it up,  C posted about how this inconvience for some was a charity and raised money for a good cause and basically wasn't very nice about it.  On my own FB page I was talking about how much of a deal was made out of what my other friend said and how one of the people responsible for the bashing was a friend who also claimed to be a Christian.  Well there ya go.. I said the wrong thing. Only because she always would bring up the Bible and how you are suppose to follow it and do things by the Bible. She texts me the next day--"Are you talking about me in your status on FB?"  I didn't lie--I told her yes, I was, because I didn't understand how she couldn't show kindness to someone going through all that (when we are all military wives and have been through deployments) and that I may not go to church all the time but I do know that and to ask  yourself what would Jesus do---and told her I was doing school with my daughter and didn't have time to talk about it more right then.  She returns a message and says, "I call this friendship over.  You keep you and yours away from me and mine."   Oh, she did say that when I asked what would Jesus do---and she said whatever the Bible says..Okay, so what does the Bible say about conflict????   Matthew 18 15:17  "If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault.  But do it privately, just between yourselves.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother back.  But if he will not listen to you, take one or two other persons with you, so that every accusation may be upheld by the testimony of two or more witnesses, as the scripture says.  And if he will not listen to them, then tell the whole thing to the church.  Finally, if he will not listen to the church, treat him as though he were a pagan or a tax collector. "
Now, since she told me to leave her and hers alone, I did not try to speak with just her about this.  There was an opportunity for her to speak to me with two other witnesses and she refused, saying she wasn't dealing with it.  And now she brings someone else to attack me about a problem she should have brought to me. 

I know her--I know how she is, I listened to her many times tell me stories about other people, --various stories about people who tried to commit suicide, about people who drink and party too much, getting divorced, don't take care of their kids, how they are controlling and must have things their own way.  Why she even told me stories about her now best friend and how she couldn't stand her walking into her house uninvited, even walking up her stairs into her bedroom without being invited while C was napping, her(D's) house is so filthy it makes you want to puke when you walk in (that is a personal experience in trying to help C while she was caring for the other woman's dog one time.)  How she doesn't pay attention to where her children are and the bad kids that they hang around with---whether any of it's true other than the house I seen and smelled for myself I do not know, I only know what C told me... and now they are best friends...  D told me at one point that I should 'control my daughter, you only have one!!!"  I asked her like she controls hers?  She said what do you know about how I care for my kids--my response was I know nothing about you other than what SHE told me about you (meaning C).  D went on to say, well what did she say, open up your mouth and tell me.  I told her that no, I wasn't repeating everything she said, because the Bible says you are not suppose to gossip and I shouldn't have brought it up.  C says, "I Just love how you throw the word Bible around.  Christianity is not a weapon."  I told her I wasn't using it as a weapon, but as a guide.  
So is that using it as a weapon?  Was I wrong in doing that?  Because she has me questioning everything I think it suppose to be right.  
And you know something?  She KNOWS I have fibromylagia.  She also KNOWS I have a hard time getting my words out of my mouth right especially when I'm being attacked and stressed and upset... so that tells me she just doesn't care.. she didn't just try to talk to me, or wait until DH  was home--because this was at 10:30am--she could have said something when he was here, he is a parent of A too--but she chose the coward way out attacking me with 2 other women beside her... She allowed D to attack me over many things and when I told her she has nothing to do with this stay out of it and shut up--she says, "Well I am involved, you involved me when you deleted me off of your page and because she is my best friend."  (I run a FB page for our community where we live---there is also a disclaimer that I have the right to delete someone who hurts my family because we all know not everyone gets along--and it's my page, I can delete who I want--I don't just do it to anyone, there are some people on there that I don't talk to or get along with that great, but they are there because they have done nothing personally to me.  This woman is not someone I would ever consider a friend--anyone who lives like she does, talks like she does and raises her children like she does would NEVER be someone I would want around me or my children. I never liked her from the first moment I met her and the last straw was this mess and her being C's BFF---Oh and C deleted herself, I did not delete her.  She deleted and blocked me from FB when she called our friendship over. 

I can only hope that the people around us will be wise enough to see through her words when she tells her twisted truths of what is going on...  I try to to live a life where I am kind to all.... I would do anything for anyone, and only would like to be treated as I treat others...

Okay

So-- I've always wanted to just be kind to people--I'm an RN as profession and I loved when I was able to care for people when they needed help.  All I expect is for others to be kind also and not waiver from that Golden Rule...Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone just did that?
I'm not perfect, I DO NOT claim to have done nothing I shouldn't have.  There are things that I wish I could say I'm sorry about....

But that time is past... and now I'm not sure what to do about the situation.  It is so frustrating when people you thought you knew really are not who you thought they were.  AND the fact that they live next door is not better for the situation.

I'm not condoning what my daughter did.  She was punished for the doorbell incident, made to write an apology,  she was also made to go scrub the public sidewalk and there was no point in saying sorry because that was after she threatened us with harassment--so I'm not taking a chance or giving her the opportunity that even thought she was saying sorry it was just something else to upset her or her children.  We have talked to her to explain that yes, she hurt me, but that it's time to move on, to just act like they no longer exist in this universe, ignore their presence, their words, anything to do with them.  I've done my best to reflect on this and what I've done wrong and my part of it, I'm trying to let it make me a better person, someone that I can be proud of and truly say that I am following what I really believe... that things should be fair, that people should be nice to one another, even if you don't like someone you can still be kind--it doesn't hurt anything.  I said (or rather) typed the wrong thing, I wasn't given a real chance to explain it all and the person that is on the other end knows how my mind doesn't work right sometimes....and apparently I was not important enough in her life to give 'our' friendship a chance.  TO Forgive.  But God knows what he is doing.. I do know that.. because her and the people she hangs around with and calls her best friends and says "I love you" to are not someone I would want in my life anyway.

However, this does not mean that I will allow someone to threaten and attack me.  Talking about something is one thing--threatening and saying that you are going to go to the mps over something a 12 yo did that did not hurt anyone physically and was stopped as soon as we knew about it---well that makes no sense.
So for now, I'm keeping documentation of every time her kids crash into the living room wall and sounds like they are coming THROUGH the wall, how she waters her front yard and has a hose that makes half of my front porch all wet so I can't even put my outdoor furniture with cushions on it out there, how her grass and the weeds in her yard are now up over top of the dividing wall to our yard and now coming OVER into our yard... not to mention the grass that grows at the fence line that comes into our side at the height of 8-10 inches because she doesn't cut them (which is WHY we have plywood up against our fence--because our dogs eat the long grass and then throw it up..) ---I'm keeping track of it all... she wants to play this game I'm not going to roll over and just take it.  I've said nothing to her all this time for these things because we were friends, and friends just let stuff like that slide so you don't mess up the friendship--but now, well now.. it doesn't really matter does it??
That's all I'm going to say about this right now.   Some may say that I shouldn't even have done this--but I know from what is getting back to me that she isn't telling the whole story...and I hope that those who truly know me know that my heart is good and I would do anything for anyone...