Friends, Romans... Crazy Women

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  

That's how my day started off, yesterday.  Door bell rings---the neighbor, her loudmouth friend and some other woman is at my door.  "Do you know what you're daughter did?"  "I'm tired of this, it has got to stop."  "Around back, she wrote in chalk, we don't have to put up with this." 
So I shut the door and lock it, walk to the back and go outside....  "A" had written "I HATE YOU" in front of the neighbor's gate on the public sidewalk in front of the parking lot.  
I said I did not know she did it or it wouldn't be there.  "WEll you only have one child you need to control her." (this coming from the Loudmouth friend I'll call "D") 
"I'm going to housing, command and calling the mps' to press harassment charges, this has got to stop, my daughter shouldn't have to put up with this, your daughter rang the doorbell every 5 min for 6 hours (which she did ring the doorbell but it couldn't have been that much!!!), and she screams when she is riding her bike and it makes "M" cry and she knows it upsets her and does it anyway. So I've had enough and I'm going to go to housing, command and the mps."  That came from "C"  paraphrasing...
I told her go ahead.  When I found out about the doorbell I told A to stop it and made her write an apology which we taped to the post beside C's shed because she told us way before this at the beginning of it all "You leave me and mine alone and we will leave you and yours alone.  I'm calling this friendship over."  So I didn't risk taking it into her door...
Anyone can scream riding their bike--people do it all the time... 
and I made her scrub the sidewalk off and she is punished for what she did.  

 
Confused yet?  If you don't know the whole story--C used to be what I thought was a very good friend, looking back now it was mostly a one sided relationship and I was clearly a throw away friend.. it's amazing how you can go literally from being awesome one day to being not worthy to even talk to the next.  

For the past 18 months we've been friends---how did we meet? Officially it was earlier but when we became good friends was this:  Well her son is autistic, he was out waiting for Santa to come around in the fire truck--and they were throwing candy out from the truck--he didn't get what he wanted because the other kids jumped into the mix and took it--he was very upset, crying throwing himself to the ground and about 2 blocks from their home... I went up and carried him to the house because C was pregnant and I didn't want her carrying him--went and got candy from our house and gave it to him and he settled down.  Over the time I have done many things... always taking them food because certain things I make too much of or knew she liked, took her daughter to co-op because C was going to school that day so that M could go.  The very first day I got my first lidocaine infusion for pain management I watched her kids because her older son was going to school and she had no one else she 'trusted' to watch them and she was also going to school. So I don't even know if that would have worked had I actually rested and relaxed when I came home. My husband cut her grass because her husband was deployed... I Jumped her smart car, not once, but twice taking everything out myself and if you know where the battery is in a smart car it is a pia to get to--under the floor of the passenger seat and you have to remove this big thing of foam to get to the battery--yet I did it, and then she accidently shut the car off when I had everything back together and I had to redo it--keep in mind I am in pain 24/7.   
I never minded doing anything for her, because she has a bigger family, her husband was away and most importantly she was what I considered a friend...

  I have no idea what started that wedge, because it had started even before the 'incident' that caused her to call our friendship over.  I want to say that it's because she started going to church and I didn't go. We had started looking for a church to attend together, and went to a few, however she went to WAVE and was hooked.  I can't stand a lot of noise and huge crowds, if you know WAVE you know that is exactly what it is.  I have a hard time going to church, my back and legs hurt all the time--non stop.  When sitting for longer than 15 min it makes it even worse and it's hard to even walk sometimes after--so I don't go as often as I would like to--and when I do go I've chosen a smaller, more family like atmosphere to go to.  She never said anything but it was the comments about coming to church and then she offered to get my 12 yo daughter baptized to HER and didn't even ask me.  She has done things too--she trained my daughter and started her love of running, she took A to Disney for the Princess run down there---(and on the top side that looks like a great thing to do, but she never once asked me if I wanted to go along, and the whole trip was nothing but stressful for myself and my daughter--including episodes where her older son thought he was in charge of her and trying to tell her what to do, when I entrusted C to be the one who was taking care of things.  My daughter was left out of many things on that trip--including not even being asked if she wanted to dress like the 4 other girls who were all dressed the same and so A stood out, she called me many times crying from down there, and when they got home C never said a word to me--she threw our stuff out of the van and that was it...)  She helped me get together stuff for my new 'granddaughter' although I paid for a new car seat for her son in payment for it.  I won't go on and on about it, but just a background, that yes, indeed I thought we were great friends.... Then comes the Shamrock run--and where we live they close the roads down on post for the runners to run through the post.  Roads are blocked, access is limited to get out or in... so another friend of mine was upset because of it--and voiced her opinion.  Keep in mind this friend's family was in because her husband was deploying in a few days and they had wanted to go somewhere.  So she said how difficult it was and she was frustrated. So the bashing began on her for 'oh it's only one day, there is no reason to complain' from various sources.. she apologized even saying that it was a bad time for her and normally it wouldn't have been so difficult for her... Not having any compassion for that and wanting to keep it up,  C posted about how this inconvience for some was a charity and raised money for a good cause and basically wasn't very nice about it.  On my own FB page I was talking about how much of a deal was made out of what my other friend said and how one of the people responsible for the bashing was a friend who also claimed to be a Christian.  Well there ya go.. I said the wrong thing. Only because she always would bring up the Bible and how you are suppose to follow it and do things by the Bible. She texts me the next day--"Are you talking about me in your status on FB?"  I didn't lie--I told her yes, I was, because I didn't understand how she couldn't show kindness to someone going through all that (when we are all military wives and have been through deployments) and that I may not go to church all the time but I do know that and to ask  yourself what would Jesus do---and told her I was doing school with my daughter and didn't have time to talk about it more right then.  She returns a message and says, "I call this friendship over.  You keep you and yours away from me and mine."   Oh, she did say that when I asked what would Jesus do---and she said whatever the Bible says..Okay, so what does the Bible say about conflict????   Matthew 18 15:17  "If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault.  But do it privately, just between yourselves.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother back.  But if he will not listen to you, take one or two other persons with you, so that every accusation may be upheld by the testimony of two or more witnesses, as the scripture says.  And if he will not listen to them, then tell the whole thing to the church.  Finally, if he will not listen to the church, treat him as though he were a pagan or a tax collector. "
Now, since she told me to leave her and hers alone, I did not try to speak with just her about this.  There was an opportunity for her to speak to me with two other witnesses and she refused, saying she wasn't dealing with it.  And now she brings someone else to attack me about a problem she should have brought to me. 

I know her--I know how she is, I listened to her many times tell me stories about other people, --various stories about people who tried to commit suicide, about people who drink and party too much, getting divorced, don't take care of their kids, how they are controlling and must have things their own way.  Why she even told me stories about her now best friend and how she couldn't stand her walking into her house uninvited, even walking up her stairs into her bedroom without being invited while C was napping, her(D's) house is so filthy it makes you want to puke when you walk in (that is a personal experience in trying to help C while she was caring for the other woman's dog one time.)  How she doesn't pay attention to where her children are and the bad kids that they hang around with---whether any of it's true other than the house I seen and smelled for myself I do not know, I only know what C told me... and now they are best friends...  D told me at one point that I should 'control my daughter, you only have one!!!"  I asked her like she controls hers?  She said what do you know about how I care for my kids--my response was I know nothing about you other than what SHE told me about you (meaning C).  D went on to say, well what did she say, open up your mouth and tell me.  I told her that no, I wasn't repeating everything she said, because the Bible says you are not suppose to gossip and I shouldn't have brought it up.  C says, "I Just love how you throw the word Bible around.  Christianity is not a weapon."  I told her I wasn't using it as a weapon, but as a guide.  
So is that using it as a weapon?  Was I wrong in doing that?  Because she has me questioning everything I think it suppose to be right.  
And you know something?  She KNOWS I have fibromylagia.  She also KNOWS I have a hard time getting my words out of my mouth right especially when I'm being attacked and stressed and upset... so that tells me she just doesn't care.. she didn't just try to talk to me, or wait until DH  was home--because this was at 10:30am--she could have said something when he was here, he is a parent of A too--but she chose the coward way out attacking me with 2 other women beside her... She allowed D to attack me over many things and when I told her she has nothing to do with this stay out of it and shut up--she says, "Well I am involved, you involved me when you deleted me off of your page and because she is my best friend."  (I run a FB page for our community where we live---there is also a disclaimer that I have the right to delete someone who hurts my family because we all know not everyone gets along--and it's my page, I can delete who I want--I don't just do it to anyone, there are some people on there that I don't talk to or get along with that great, but they are there because they have done nothing personally to me.  This woman is not someone I would ever consider a friend--anyone who lives like she does, talks like she does and raises her children like she does would NEVER be someone I would want around me or my children. I never liked her from the first moment I met her and the last straw was this mess and her being C's BFF---Oh and C deleted herself, I did not delete her.  She deleted and blocked me from FB when she called our friendship over. 

I can only hope that the people around us will be wise enough to see through her words when she tells her twisted truths of what is going on...  I try to to live a life where I am kind to all.... I would do anything for anyone, and only would like to be treated as I treat others...

Okay

So-- I've always wanted to just be kind to people--I'm an RN as profession and I loved when I was able to care for people when they needed help.  All I expect is for others to be kind also and not waiver from that Golden Rule...Wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone just did that?
I'm not perfect, I DO NOT claim to have done nothing I shouldn't have.  There are things that I wish I could say I'm sorry about....

But that time is past... and now I'm not sure what to do about the situation.  It is so frustrating when people you thought you knew really are not who you thought they were.  AND the fact that they live next door is not better for the situation.

I'm not condoning what my daughter did.  She was punished for the doorbell incident, made to write an apology,  she was also made to go scrub the public sidewalk and there was no point in saying sorry because that was after she threatened us with harassment--so I'm not taking a chance or giving her the opportunity that even thought she was saying sorry it was just something else to upset her or her children.  We have talked to her to explain that yes, she hurt me, but that it's time to move on, to just act like they no longer exist in this universe, ignore their presence, their words, anything to do with them.  I've done my best to reflect on this and what I've done wrong and my part of it, I'm trying to let it make me a better person, someone that I can be proud of and truly say that I am following what I really believe... that things should be fair, that people should be nice to one another, even if you don't like someone you can still be kind--it doesn't hurt anything.  I said (or rather) typed the wrong thing, I wasn't given a real chance to explain it all and the person that is on the other end knows how my mind doesn't work right sometimes....and apparently I was not important enough in her life to give 'our' friendship a chance.  TO Forgive.  But God knows what he is doing.. I do know that.. because her and the people she hangs around with and calls her best friends and says "I love you" to are not someone I would want in my life anyway.

However, this does not mean that I will allow someone to threaten and attack me.  Talking about something is one thing--threatening and saying that you are going to go to the mps over something a 12 yo did that did not hurt anyone physically and was stopped as soon as we knew about it---well that makes no sense.
So for now, I'm keeping documentation of every time her kids crash into the living room wall and sounds like they are coming THROUGH the wall, how she waters her front yard and has a hose that makes half of my front porch all wet so I can't even put my outdoor furniture with cushions on it out there, how her grass and the weeds in her yard are now up over top of the dividing wall to our yard and now coming OVER into our yard... not to mention the grass that grows at the fence line that comes into our side at the height of 8-10 inches because she doesn't cut them (which is WHY we have plywood up against our fence--because our dogs eat the long grass and then throw it up..) ---I'm keeping track of it all... she wants to play this game I'm not going to roll over and just take it.  I've said nothing to her all this time for these things because we were friends, and friends just let stuff like that slide so you don't mess up the friendship--but now, well now.. it doesn't really matter does it??
That's all I'm going to say about this right now.   Some may say that I shouldn't even have done this--but I know from what is getting back to me that she isn't telling the whole story...and I hope that those who truly know me know that my heart is good and I would do anything for anyone...

Cards and stuff and frustration....

Sometimes I feel like a failure.  Certain days are worse than others, but today is one of those particularly bad days.  I get so frustrated with our 'stuff' in the house and my lack of organizational skills I'm ready to pull my hair out. 
It is better than it used to be--but I still am not very good at finding places for the things that we decide are important enough to keep.
Like cards--what do YOU do with them all?  Birthday, Valentine, Anniversary, Mother's day, Father's Day, Halloween---I can't bring myself to throw them away because well, someone paid good money for them, they have a good sentiment in them.  Plus, looking back on the people in my life that I have lost (like my Gram & Pap Uhl and Gram Stormer) it is a touching moment when you look back on what they wrote so long ago...
But seriously--I will never have that 'house' that is beautiful and looks like it was decorated by a professional.  Way back in 1992 before kids and stuff and in my first home--everything had a spot, then you accumulate...ugh.
I always say that my house isn't dirty (really it isn't--dusty maybe, cluttered--yes, but not dirty) just cluttered but it still makes me feel weird if someone is coming to visit.  I promised myself though when we moved here I wouldn't let that bother me to the point where I wouldn't have friends over or invite people inside...so I do---I should more I guess. 
So--what does this mean?  It means if you come to my house plan on meeting our dogs, and our clutter...and I guess if people like the person that you are, they will accept you as you are, right? 

It doesn't help that doing things like bending and sitting on the floor to go through things to GET organized only makes my pain worse.  I know that prevents me from doing everything I would really like to.  Not to mention the lack of focus in my head, so I go from one spot to the other, to the other, never getting anything completed.  Sound familiar?

Oh well, we will muddle through and get by I guess.

I tried looking around to find a new doctor today.  One that can follow me and perhaps find some sort of continuity with my care instead of going to a different doctor each time.  It is sort of like rolling the roulette wheel hoping you get the right color.  Because you just never really know until you go... and in order to go I have to switch to Tricare Standard to pick my own doctor, which is a little scary to tell the truth.  So wish me luck on that task!

I hope I can be strong--I'm trying to be.  Trying to get to a point where I just know that the pain is going to be there and deal with it...because I guess eventually that is what I am going to do.  Either that--or drown.

So that's it for now... going to go watch Survivor and then go to bed.... hope everyone is having a good night.

So--two posts in a year and 1/2 not bad right?  Ah, I started this when another friend of mine started a blog and thought that would be an awesome way to keep track of things--post them on here and they are there forever--easier than writing it out in hand because I can type quicker, well then I forgot about it--so it sat here.  I like blogs--if people want to read them they have to search you out and they can't complain if you are saying this or that because nothing is making them read it--right?

I've been having a hard time these past few months.  Not only with life in general but in dealing with the day to day pain 24/7, fitting people and activities into my life and changes in who I thought were my 'friends'.

Pain management is no longer following me.  I tried their treatments of water therapy, IV Lidocaine infusions (yea, real fun getting stuck 3-4 times for an IV each time because my veins suck),  and Savella---yes, I broke down and tried it--was a 'last resort' option.  Water therapy was nice when I was in there--but I have anxiety issues with driving in this insane traffic and the office was 30 minutes away with no traffic---so it was not helping in fact was making things worse because of the increased stress. 
The IV Lidocaine infusions did absolutely nothing.  I felt a little fuzzy when it was infusing but that's it.. no change in any of the pain I feel daily.  The Savella--I had to titrate up to the dose that is recommended and when I got there I was on it about 2 weeks and couldn't tolerate it anymore.  It was literally making me scratch the skin off my legs because I was so itchy.  So that's it.  Pain management says they have nothing left for me.  I've already been on all the drugs that they try (Cymbalta, Lyrica, Flexeril, the Lidocaine and Savella) so they want me to see a nutritionist because if I lose weight and start exercising it will "all go away" and another rheumatologist.  Both in Portsmouth--so both about 40 min away and through tunnels and more stress.  So I am in search of a good doctor that I can see near me and will be switching to Tricare Standard.  It's frustrating seeing different doctors each time I go to see anyone.  Telling the same story over, or trying to because they want you to remember it and not go off papers and since my memory is shot sometimes I don't get things right, so it makes it look like I'm either trying to hide something or I'm crazy... frustrating for sure. 

It's hard trying to get people to understand how I feel, and then if I say something I feel like I'm always complaining about it.. but it's ALWAYS there, and I don't know how to not feel hurt, frustrated and bitter about that.  I know others have it worse and have better outlooks and motivation and attitude than I do--but you know what?  It doesn't make it any easier.  All the time it hurts in my lower back, my legs/knees, my ribs, my elbows, and the occasional stabbing pain in my head.  All the time I feel lost and like I don't know how to find my way back.  It's not normal to feel pain all the time without a reason--I mean I didn't suffer trauma or surgery or an accident--it's just there, because my body doesn't read the nerve messages correctly.  There is no 'marker' telling you where I hurt, so if you look at me I look just fine---when in fact I'm so far from fine I don't know if I can find my way back sometimes.  A wonderful woman by the name of Christine Miserandino describes how having an 'invisible illness' is to a friend of hers here:  The Spoon Theory 

So--I don't always say things in the right way--I try to make sure people know that about me because I'm not trying to give myself an excuse but there are many times I can't come up with the right words when I'm talking, or I say what I'm thinking before I get it straight in my head... sometimes I just can't get it out at all.  It's scary--and I'm really hoping that it's all related to the Fibro Fog--because the other alternative is worse.  I have relatives on my Father's side that had Alzheimer's.  Some at a quite young age when dx.  Now that--I don't know what I would do if I had that dx.  I've watched people in different stages and it is so sad...(Think--'The Notebook" and you get it?)

So sometimes it's hard finding a friend who will care enough about you to forgive you when you screw up, or when you can't make it to an outing because you hadn't slept all night from pain, or just don't feel up to being around a crowd.  And that is a subject for another time.....

So there is a bit of my rambling mess...

Updated Fibro Doctor appt... at Pain Management.. long version

by Milissa Stormer on Friday, November 18, 2011 at 3:31pm ·

Well, the visit this morning was more promising than I had hoped. The doctor actually seems to care, is quite knowledgeable about Fibromyalgia and spent like almost an hour talking with me, going over things, explaining things.. planning a course of treatment and so forth. I have an appointment on the 30th for an intravenous infusion of lidocaine to try and decrease the pain--we'll try that for 2 months and then I go back and see him again. I am more encouraged than I have been in a long time just because I didn't feel like the doctor thought I was crazy or something!! That right there is a plus!
And I know that there are things that I can do that would help me that I am not currently doing---eating better for one. I've had a lot of people give me information on the ways that eating 'right' will help heal you--which ok, I get that,... and I'm sure that is true--unfortunately though it's like a circle--I hurt a lot, so I don't necessarily want to cook--by the time I do I'm paying for it in more ways than one--Scott cooks when he is here but thanks to the Army that isn't too often for any meal when you work 5:30am-7pm. The cost of food is twisted in that it is more expensive to eat healthy (not that we buy all garbage but some of the prices are insane!). I also know that exercise helps, but again, I need something to get me over that point of hurting so much all I want to do is crawl in bed (oh, but then I can't sleep anyway!) So I'm trying this--and we'll see what happens from here--hopefully it will get me to a point where I can have decreased pain enough to be able to increase activity which will help decrease pain---got that?? ;)  Oh--and I like how he put it when we were discussing about depression/anxiety and chronic pain---would someone walk up to a person with diabetes or high blood pressure and say just will it to go away, suck it up, it will go away all on it's... own....there are some things you can do to help, but it's a neurochemical imbalance somewhere a long the way that messes up the pain receptors... making you think there is a reason for pain when there is no evidence of such cause to be found. (For example--my lower back hurts, all the time--worse when I Stand for a long time or sit for a long time--it was horrible by the time I finished writing two verses on a cake last night--but there is absolutely no reason for it to hurt--I've had MRI's and x-rays and everything is normal---almost wish it wasn't so they could say--hey, this is wrong and we can fix it!)

The "F" WORD

(I wrote this and posted on Facebook on November 28, 2010 will be doing a follow up post soon on here) 

 

The "F" word. (Not THAT F word!)

by Milissa Stormer on Sunday, November 28, 2010 at 10:16pm ·

So are you thinking about 'that' "F" word? You know, the one that people sometimes cringe to hear, others use it like it's nothing and even others think it is a joke. Yea, that "F" word.. right? Well...the "F" word I am talking about it Fibromyalgia. Believe me, if it's your diagnosis you don't want to hear that word, some people think it's nothing, not a real disease, not a real problem. "Those people are just lazy, they don't want to work, they aren't in pain, they don't have any real problems." No...you can't 'see' it, and you don't get a positive result on anything to show you that you definitely have this disease, dx, syndrome, whatever you want to call it. Doctors, friends, strangers, even family have no way to really know what you are going through. There isn't an x-ray or MRI that you can have done and give the result that you in fact have fibromylagia. It is more a diagnosis of exclusion. Meaning you go through all sorts of different tests---xrays, MRI, bloodwork... whatever you want to add to that list... and nothing shows up as you having a real problem. So is it 'real'?

I don't know, sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I have to hurt every stinking day. I wonder, maybe it's all in my head, maybe it's because I'm lazy... maybe I just want to become a drug addict on pain pills so I make these things up to try and get more pills. Yea, the pills you get! Man, those are some GOOD drugs! Lyrica---makes you feel like you're walking around drunk all the time, makes some get double vision and for sure you can expect to gain weight no matter how you eat! Savella---new one on the market. Doctor wrote me a prescription for this and gave me the trial packet---you have to do a gradual increase of the meds. I had no clue about it so I came home and did the google things... first thing that popped up was a petition being signed to take the drug off the market---it just causes small side effects.. you know, puke your guts out, make you have no appetite, oh wait.. it raises your heart rate---170 or so, no big deal.. and your blood pressure! Also can damage your kidneys and liver. People have died.. there are more bad good reports than good out there about it.. makes me scared to take it.
And wait!! There is more!! You're pain isn't really 'pain' it is just some sort of messed up wiring in your head that causes you to feel pain when you have no reason to do so. So we're not going to give you any pain medications, and if we do it won't really be enough to make you pain free---ever. Not even one day you can pick and say, "I don't want to have pain today so I'm going to go ahead and take this." Because you know, pain meds have side effects----you can become addicted--well dependant when you're trying to get rid of pain and not doing it to get high. Your body builds up a tolerance to it and you have to take more... hum... you know... I think I remember hearing something about that with the 'regular' meds that people can take for this... sometimes you end up having to take more.. or if you stop taking it you have to stop slowly because of side effects/withdrawal.
I don't know.. me, I'd rather take a drug that I know has been around for a long time and I know I've taken with no side effects... than chance destroying my organs, or killing myself.. (yea, I forgot, that Savella also has a SE of suicide attempts increasing.)
So what does it feel like? Well, lets see... When I wake up in the morning my heels and feet are so stiff and sore you would think I had run a marathon in my bare feet on broken glass. Walking down the steps is real fun...Sometimes I go down like an old woman moving one foot down to the step at a time. I have pain all the time in my lower back, almost near where you sit on really---and the more I sit, the worse it gets... and the more I stand the worse it hurts...
If i am trying to hang up clothes on hangers---well I have to do a little at a time because the repetative motion about kills me.. and feels like I did 1000 push ups and I have muscle failure. Just from hanging/folding clothes!
Then there is what they have termed 'fibrofog'. This is where you forget things all the time, have a word in your head but it doesn't come out your mouth... trying to talk to someone and have a conversation in person sometimes is REALLY difficult for me. Typing, writing.. I can do that because I can take the time to figure out what I want to say, how to say it and if it doesn't sound right I can erase it and redo it. Not so in real life.
Being in pain makes me edgy, so little things bother me....and I get upset real easy at things I probably shouldn't be.
Small noises make me feel like someone is running their hands across a chalk board, smells make me sick and get a instant headache (unless it's food smells---vanilla, cotton candy ect).
Nothing takes the pain away.. heat, ice... rest... exercise....it's just there ALL THE TIME. It is depressing really---to think that I have to deal with this another 20-40 years. I get so overwhelmed with sadness sometimes that it's hard to even want to get out of bed... hard to stop the tears once they have already started. Motivation is nill.
I don't honestly know how my family puts up with me... but they do, they love me anyway and put up with my quirks...problems.. whatever.
SO! that's a little bit of what I go through....if you'd like to learn more about what is actually considered part of the symptom list go here----> http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/fibrosymptoms.htm
I can say that I probably have about 75% of these symptoms.....
So if I sound like a screw up, stupid person when you meet me, forgive me. I am far from stupid. I am a registered nurse by profession and always did well in school----it's quite ironic that I used to take care of people who were hurting physically or mentally...but now I don't know what to do to help myself....
I'm terrible talking on the phone... and sometimes can't think of the right word when we're talking in person....sometimes my days are worse than others and I may cancel doing something because of it.... sometimes I am lucky if I get 3 hours of sleep.... so it's hard to function....
There you have it... my 'f' word story....
:(