Release, Relief and Relationships

Many things have happened in the past few weeks.  More emotional turmoil of course, always seems to be drama when dealing with military wives.  I haven't quite figured that out yet, because you would think since we all have a common bond that it would be more supportive than it is.  Anyway!  
I recently had another person 'unfriend' me on facebook.  There was no reason really, it was someone who I thought was a friend, someone who I had helped out, someone who had helped me out with clothes and baby items for my granddaughter, Willow. I never had an argument with this person, never a harsh word, never knew anything I did bothered her because she never said anything.  So when I posted this photo: 

 

 I was deleted by her.  I messaged her what I did to deserve to be deleted and she said that she was tired of dealing with my drama and my feel sorry for myself attitude.  After some time in another conversation through messaging she said that I am too pushy and she doesn't have the energy to be my friend.  I suppose I try too hard sometimes to be people's friend.  The only time I can remember being pushy is one day she had posted on facebook she was having a bad day and didn't want to do anything or see anyone.  So I pushed the fact to bring her some food, just dropping it off at her doorstep never even having to see me.  Other than that I really didn't think I was being pushy.  She is going through a deployment and I know she was having a hard time so I tried to help.  That was my reasoning behind what I was doing.  But instead of telling me that wasn't something she could handle and giving me a chance to not try so hard, she just threw our friendship away.  Said we didn't have anything in common and she didn't have the energy to be my friend.  

How do you deal with something like that?  I mean it makes me feel badly that good intentions were only met with frustration, only I didn't even know it.  

So, do I change how I am because someone did not appreciate how I am?  Or do I let my heart continue to lead my path?  

I have suffered through this trying to figure it out.  And have had some really good friends point out that they happen to like my heart the way it is.  That being kind and caring about people, even sometimes being misunderstood, is better than being the type of person to not care about those around you, the world, things going on that you maybe can do even a little about.  

So I will go on being kind, and giving and caring.  Because if I didn't it wouldn't be me.  I know I'm not perfect, heck, no one is.  But all I can do is be myself, and those who appreciate me for who I am and want to be in my life, will be.  And I'll know that they want to be there.  Those that walk away were just lessons. Hard, hurtful lessons, but lessons just the same.  

Also, this past week something wonderful happened.  I got my letter in the mail for approval for my disability.  Almost 3 years and many denials leading to the hearing stage, the wait is over.  It felt like a huge relief off of my shoulders.  I immediately started crying and when I called my husband he asked why are you crying, this is good news!  It was, it was good news, but it was just an emotional release.  I know I don't look like anything is wrong with me, but the disability was approved for my fibromylagia (constant 24/7 pain), depression, anxiety and arthritis. So this means that we will  have the ability for me to try some other therapies that aren't covered by insurance and not worry about not having enough money to pay the bills.  It also will allow us to save money in order to plan for our future and also Alayna's.  I couldn't have done it without the help of Allsup.  They helped me through every step of the way and sent someone to be with me at my hearing.  I truly believe that had it not been for their assistance I wouldn't have received the approval.  If you or anyone you know need help applying for disability I highly recommend them, and if you don't mind mentioning I sent you their way I would appreciate that also.  They only get a fee if you win back payment and then it is capped at a certain amount so it's not outrageous.  

It's hard dealing with being in pain all the time.  And I know it has caused me to sometimes be a person I really don't want to be.  

I know I'm grumpy sometimes for no apparent reason, I don't like doing things as much I used to, it's caused strain on my relationships with my family and friends, and as you can see in the first part of this writing, I've even lost friends because of it. I try hard not to feel sorry for myself.  It's difficult sometimes because it's daunting the task of living another 40 years dealing with this.  I know others have it worse and I do not forget that ever, but it doesn't make my pain less.  Perhaps I am not as strong inside as they are to be so stoic in dealing with the pain. 
I had a discussion with my husband the other day, that it's not really fair to him to have to deal with this all the time.  I do not feel like a good wife, or a good mother, or just even a good person sometimes.  And I feel he deserves better.  He says no, that he just wants me, that yes, it may sound like a movie, but that I complete him and make him a better person.  That we will make it through this together.  

So that is where we are at right now.  Muddling through me not feeling so well about life, and him loving me anyway.  So I'll keep on trying to get through things...and find out who my true friends and the ones who really love me, just as I am....

Which reminds me of this: 

Which leave me at a good spot to leave for tonight... my brain is a bit foggy and and I need some rest... <3